"When my world is shaking..."

Tonight I was listening to a song that said, “When my world is shaking – heaven stands.  When my heart is breaking – I never leave your hands.”  How appropriate for today!  Today my world shook, in more ways than one.  The first you’ve probably already heard about on the news or felt for yourself – a 5.8 earthquake that originated less than 40 miles from here.  I was at the Cancer Center when it happened.  I’ve never felt an earthquake before and it scared me to death!  I was so glad to be in the exam room with my mom, who is from California and has felt her share of earthquakes (technically I am from California, too, but when it comes to earthquakes, I have no experience).  She said my eyes got as round as saucers, but she assured me we were fine and I needed to just stay put.

As for the second reason my world shook today, it lies in my appointment with my oncologist.  Before I tell you about the appointment, I have to share a God thing.  :)  I have a friend here in Charlottesville who just finished her PhD in molecular biology and wrote her thesis on chemotherapy in estrogen receptor positive cancer patients (that’s me!).  She has been a great source of information for me, as well as for translation of medical information from scientific jargon into practical implications for a patient such as me.  As I was preparing for my appointment today, I asked her what kinds of questions I should ask my oncologist.  She gave me some great questions based on current literature and encouraged me to make sure my oncologist has read the most up-to-date research.  Since she did her PhD at UVA, she asked who my oncologist is.  Turns out he is the co-author on a paper she is writing!!!  Not only that, she came with me and my parents to the appointment today to offer another scientific brain to the conversation, as well as to provide that translation we needed.  God provided for every need!

My oncologist did a great job answering all the (many!) questions we had.  When I told him that I’m a data analyst, he ran me through all the numbers he had used to come up with his recommendations, so I would feel comfortable with the methods he used.  Basically, the numbers were:

• 3 – grade of my tumor (options are 1-3, with 3 being the worst).  Bad news.
• 49% - risk of recurrence without additional treatment.  Also bad news.
• 33% - risk of recurrence if I go on Tamoxifen (a drug which blocks the effect of estrogen on breast tissue) for 5 years
• 15% - risk of recurrence if I do Tamoxifen as well as chemotherapy.  Comparatively good news.

I had said over and over, “No chemo.”  I even thought that if the risk reduction was small, say from 10% to 8%, that I would opt not to have chemo.  I expected to deliberate for quite a while on whether or not to do the chemo, but to me the numbers seem pretty clear.  A reduction in risk from 49% to 15% is worth it to me.  Especially since I found out that breast cancer often recurs in the bones, not necessarily in the breast as one might assume.  None of this was what I wanted to hear today.  

I'll start chemo Sept. 9 and will get it every two weeks for 8 treatments (16 weeks total).  It's an aggressive treatment program and the oncologist stressed that keeping on the rigorous schedule was important, even though I’ll have to get shots to keep my blood counts high and might even need blood transfusions to make sure my blood counts are high enough to keep getting chemo.  I’ll get a port installed under my skin in a central vein next week to facilitate the IV infusions.  One of the first drugs I will get will cause my hair to fall out, right around week 3 of treatment.  I guess I will be celebrating my birthday without hair.  

Losing my hair is something I’m really struggling with.  It feels like vanity or maybe pride, but I’ve always liked my hair color and enjoy styling my hair in fun ways.  To think about losing it for months (including eyebrows and eyelashes) makes me feel sick.  I wish there were another way.   

I’m worn out tonight and can’t write more, but I want to share some things I’ve been reading and listening to today.  They are what I believe, no matter how I feel.  “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Rom. 8:35, 37-39).

Christ and Cancer, by John Piper

What the Lord Has Done, by Hillsong

I Will Rise, by Chris Tomlin

You Are Good, by Nichole Nordeman

Your Hands, by JJ Heller

If You Want Me To, by Ginny Owens