Musings from My MRI
Yesterday was the big MRI day. If you just want the facts, the CliffsNotes version of the story is that everything went well and I didn’t suffer from terrible anxiety. Thank you for praying!
I believe your prayers helped me in some specific ways, which got the test off to a good start. First, my mom was able to come up and give me a ride, which enabled me to take my anxiety medication. Second, as I was getting situated with the MRI, I looked up to see a beautiful picture of a blossoming cherry tree on the ceiling above the machine, the last thing I saw before closing my eyes, covering them with a washcloth, and sliding back into the machine. Third, I was given the option to listen to music during the test. I had them put on Pandora’s classical relaxation station and the first song up was Pachelbel’s Canon in D. I love this song. I learned how to play it on the piano when I was young and I also had it played at my wedding. It’s a special song to me and its melody is so steady and calm.
So I lay in the MRI machine with Pachelbel’s Canon in my ears and a spring sky in my mind and let my imagination fill in the rest of the scene. I imagined myself in an Austen-esque setting, “taking a turn” around an expansive lawn with a girlfriend by my side, our arms hooked, dainty shoes poking out from beneath our long dresses with every step we take. I bemoaned, yet again, the fact that I was born in the wrong era. I grew up playing Little House on the Prairie and fantasizing about being Amish. I love Little Women, Anne of Green Gables, and anything Jane Austen. The seeming simplicity of those time periods has always appealed to me.
I thought about how regency-period fashion was more flattering than our styles now, at least for my body shape. And then I thought that I would have looked better in the Jane Austen fashions before my surgery in 2011 (I had a little more to show above those empire waists back then!). But then it occurred to me that if I had lived back then, or at the time of Anne, Jo, or Laura, I probably wouldn’t be alive right now, five and a half years after a cancer diagnosis. If I had lived back in the time periods I’ve always idolized, I probably wouldn’t have lived to see that 37th birthday I just celebrated.
So, as I always really knew, I wasn’t born in the wrong time period. I was born at just the right time. The time when there are treatments for breast cancer, if not a cure. The time when there are strong pain medications and disability insurance and indoor plumbing and grocery stores. It’s not easy having cancer, but I’m pretty sure it’s a lot easier now than it was in the 1700 or 1800s. I am blessed.
These are the things one thinks about when given 45 minutes alone with nothing but your thoughts and the sounds of a jackhammer in each ear. Pachelbel’s Canon ended up being the only song I heard on those great headphones they let me use; once the MRI machine really got going, you could barely hear your own thoughts!
BREAKING NEWS--
I heard back from my doctor with my results this evening. I hadn’t expected to hear anything until at least tomorrow, so I was surprised, but thankful, to get his call. The spot where my known metastates are looks unchanged (which is good!). But they did see a fracture of some sort in my fourth rib, which is exactly where I’ve been having pain. In order to tell if It’s a cancer-induced fracture, I need to have a CT scan, but since I am already having my routine scan in February, I’m just going to wait until then to take a closer look. Maybe I did something that fractured my rib. If that’s the case, it should heal on its own. If It’s cancer, well shucks. There still isn’t any treatment for the fracture except pain meds, which I already have.
All in all, I feel happy with the results. They actually saw something, which validates what I’ve been feeling. It could very possibly be a benign cracked rib, which will heal in time. And if It’s not, I won’t have to find out until February. Ignorance is bliss. :) Thanks for your continued prayers!
AMENDMENT--
I got the radiologist's actual report in my electronic medical record last night and I think the spot on my rib is a little more concerning than I originally thought. It seems like I either have an "insufficiency fracture" (which Google tells me is caused by stress on weakened bone - a bone weakened by cancer??) or, if the CT reveals it not to be a fracture, then it is likely a new metastatic lesion. Still, it remains only in my bones, which is the very best place for it to be, if it has to be anywhere, and more should be revealed in February.
I believe your prayers helped me in some specific ways, which got the test off to a good start. First, my mom was able to come up and give me a ride, which enabled me to take my anxiety medication. Second, as I was getting situated with the MRI, I looked up to see a beautiful picture of a blossoming cherry tree on the ceiling above the machine, the last thing I saw before closing my eyes, covering them with a washcloth, and sliding back into the machine. Third, I was given the option to listen to music during the test. I had them put on Pandora’s classical relaxation station and the first song up was Pachelbel’s Canon in D. I love this song. I learned how to play it on the piano when I was young and I also had it played at my wedding. It’s a special song to me and its melody is so steady and calm.
So I lay in the MRI machine with Pachelbel’s Canon in my ears and a spring sky in my mind and let my imagination fill in the rest of the scene. I imagined myself in an Austen-esque setting, “taking a turn” around an expansive lawn with a girlfriend by my side, our arms hooked, dainty shoes poking out from beneath our long dresses with every step we take. I bemoaned, yet again, the fact that I was born in the wrong era. I grew up playing Little House on the Prairie and fantasizing about being Amish. I love Little Women, Anne of Green Gables, and anything Jane Austen. The seeming simplicity of those time periods has always appealed to me.
I thought about how regency-period fashion was more flattering than our styles now, at least for my body shape. And then I thought that I would have looked better in the Jane Austen fashions before my surgery in 2011 (I had a little more to show above those empire waists back then!). But then it occurred to me that if I had lived back then, or at the time of Anne, Jo, or Laura, I probably wouldn’t be alive right now, five and a half years after a cancer diagnosis. If I had lived back in the time periods I’ve always idolized, I probably wouldn’t have lived to see that 37th birthday I just celebrated.
So, as I always really knew, I wasn’t born in the wrong time period. I was born at just the right time. The time when there are treatments for breast cancer, if not a cure. The time when there are strong pain medications and disability insurance and indoor plumbing and grocery stores. It’s not easy having cancer, but I’m pretty sure it’s a lot easier now than it was in the 1700 or 1800s. I am blessed.
These are the things one thinks about when given 45 minutes alone with nothing but your thoughts and the sounds of a jackhammer in each ear. Pachelbel’s Canon ended up being the only song I heard on those great headphones they let me use; once the MRI machine really got going, you could barely hear your own thoughts!
BREAKING NEWS--
I heard back from my doctor with my results this evening. I hadn’t expected to hear anything until at least tomorrow, so I was surprised, but thankful, to get his call. The spot where my known metastates are looks unchanged (which is good!). But they did see a fracture of some sort in my fourth rib, which is exactly where I’ve been having pain. In order to tell if It’s a cancer-induced fracture, I need to have a CT scan, but since I am already having my routine scan in February, I’m just going to wait until then to take a closer look. Maybe I did something that fractured my rib. If that’s the case, it should heal on its own. If It’s cancer, well shucks. There still isn’t any treatment for the fracture except pain meds, which I already have.
All in all, I feel happy with the results. They actually saw something, which validates what I’ve been feeling. It could very possibly be a benign cracked rib, which will heal in time. And if It’s not, I won’t have to find out until February. Ignorance is bliss. :) Thanks for your continued prayers!
AMENDMENT--
I got the radiologist's actual report in my electronic medical record last night and I think the spot on my rib is a little more concerning than I originally thought. It seems like I either have an "insufficiency fracture" (which Google tells me is caused by stress on weakened bone - a bone weakened by cancer??) or, if the CT reveals it not to be a fracture, then it is likely a new metastatic lesion. Still, it remains only in my bones, which is the very best place for it to be, if it has to be anywhere, and more should be revealed in February.
A lot of people struggle with having to lie still for so long inside the MRI machine. Sounds like you did great! Mentally preparing yourself for it ahead of time and making decisions about how you will handle it can help so much. Listening to peaceful music and thinking positive thoughts are great ways to pass that time.
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