He Knows My Name
Yesterday, I started radiation. I had thought I was going to be writing “had radiation,” because I thought I was only having one treatment. But when they called me back to get my treatment yesterday, they also handed me a schedule and said, “Here’s your appointment calendar for the week. They give out schedules for the following week on Fridays.” Okay then! I was kind of bummed, because I had been looking forward to getting rid of the Sharpie X across my chest; it’s been hard finding shirts to wear that hide it and it’s been a challenge keeping the marks on, especially while showering.
I did eventually find out that I’ll have five treatments total, and they do them on a daily basis. So I’m headed back over there today and I’ll get next week’s schedule during my appointment today. Radiation is my favorite treatment so far – no needles, no claustrophobic machines, no sounds of jack-hammering, no pain or terrible side effects. The worst it has to offer are the aforementioned Sharpie marks and the fact that it’s kind of boring just lying on the table.
My friend Lori took me to treatment again this time. I was surprised when I checked in that they didn’t offer the usual hospital bracelet with all my identification details. Last time, they had seemed like they were doing extra things to identify me and make sure they treat the correct patient, like taking my head shot, but this time, when they’re actually going to administer the radiation, they told me I didn’t need the ID bracelet. Huh. They did ask me my name and birth date a couple of times and I saw my head shot on the monitor when I arrived in the treatment room, so my safety wasn’t compromised. I was just surprised that such a dangerous treatment didn’t require an ID bracelet.
Lori is such a thoughtful friend – she brought me essential oils for my anxiety, as well as Jesus Always, which she read it aloud to me. I took a picture of it when she finished, because I was so struck by what it said and how timely it was:
Putting your life in the hands of doctors is scary. Are they up-to-date on all the newest research? Have they really taken time with your chart? Do they know the ins and outs of your diagnosis and the characteristics of your unique tumor? How thoughtfully have they considered the treatment they recommend? We all have off days; is the day of your appointment one of those days for your doctor? Are your different care providers all communicating about your case? Are their recommendations complementing each other or working against each another?
Sometimes it’s all too much to think about. You can research and get second opinions and worry and second-guess yourself all day long, but, in truth, no one knows exactly how you will respond to treatment. They call it the “practice” of medicine for a reason. But, ultimately, my life is in the hands of another Physician, the Great Physician. He knows my name and birth date without having to ask. He knows my diagnosis and everything about my case, including its outcome. My response to treatment isn’t unknown to Him. How fast my cancer will progress isn’t either; all my days are written in His book.
So I remind myself of these things as I write them.
I did eventually find out that I’ll have five treatments total, and they do them on a daily basis. So I’m headed back over there today and I’ll get next week’s schedule during my appointment today. Radiation is my favorite treatment so far – no needles, no claustrophobic machines, no sounds of jack-hammering, no pain or terrible side effects. The worst it has to offer are the aforementioned Sharpie marks and the fact that it’s kind of boring just lying on the table.
My friend Lori took me to treatment again this time. I was surprised when I checked in that they didn’t offer the usual hospital bracelet with all my identification details. Last time, they had seemed like they were doing extra things to identify me and make sure they treat the correct patient, like taking my head shot, but this time, when they’re actually going to administer the radiation, they told me I didn’t need the ID bracelet. Huh. They did ask me my name and birth date a couple of times and I saw my head shot on the monitor when I arrived in the treatment room, so my safety wasn’t compromised. I was just surprised that such a dangerous treatment didn’t require an ID bracelet.
Lori is such a thoughtful friend – she brought me essential oils for my anxiety, as well as Jesus Always, which she read it aloud to me. I took a picture of it when she finished, because I was so struck by what it said and how timely it was:
“I call you by name…I know you - I know every detail about you. You are never a number or statistic to me.”
“The sheep hear [the shepherd’s] voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out… So Jesus again said to them…"Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me.” (John 10:3, 7-7, 14 ESV)
“O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,’ even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!” (Psalm 139:1-17 ESV)I don’t have to wear an ID bracelet with God. He calls me by name. He knows everything about me, even my secret thoughts. There is nowhere I can go that God is not already there. He knows how many days I will live; my cancer is not a surprise to Him.
Putting your life in the hands of doctors is scary. Are they up-to-date on all the newest research? Have they really taken time with your chart? Do they know the ins and outs of your diagnosis and the characteristics of your unique tumor? How thoughtfully have they considered the treatment they recommend? We all have off days; is the day of your appointment one of those days for your doctor? Are your different care providers all communicating about your case? Are their recommendations complementing each other or working against each another?
Sometimes it’s all too much to think about. You can research and get second opinions and worry and second-guess yourself all day long, but, in truth, no one knows exactly how you will respond to treatment. They call it the “practice” of medicine for a reason. But, ultimately, my life is in the hands of another Physician, the Great Physician. He knows my name and birth date without having to ask. He knows my diagnosis and everything about my case, including its outcome. My response to treatment isn’t unknown to Him. How fast my cancer will progress isn’t either; all my days are written in His book.
So I remind myself of these things as I write them.
You are a walking testimony of his grace. I truly believe that our minds are what need to be healed, and that is done by God perfecting our faith in him through the various trials that we face. Each trial is specifically chosen for your perfecting and his glory! God is so perfect that He KNOWS exactly what is needed in our lives- tough things sometimes. But he also know that His presence is so amazingly comforting to those who truly know him as you do. He never leaves us. "Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon thee because he trusteth in thee," Isaiah 26:3. Continue running the race! The victory will be perfected faith through Christ! Many, many prayers!
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