Flesh will fail

Yesterday I got an unexpected call from my doctor’s office. They said they had reevaluated my scans and thought I might, once again, be helped by having some radiation and was I free to see the radiation oncologist on Tuesday (today). This came as a surprise to me, since I thought they were uncertain about the spot on my rib. I thought we were waiting until my scans in February to get to the bottom of things. I thought there was still a chance it was a coincidentally-located cracked rib.

But they mentioned pain relief and of course I agreed to a 10:30 appointment this morning, all the while asking myself if they had said it was a new spot of cancer or if they had only implied it with the offer of radiation. I don’t think they treat broken ribs with radiation…

I know I have spoken here of my struggles with anxiety – I actually just had a first appointment with the stress clinic yesterday – and this unexpected call and its implications had me amped up this morning. So, even though I was short on time, I sat down at the breakfast table with Jesus Calling and my bowl of cereal. I have two copies of this book; one a leather-bound version that includes the verses typed out and the other the little hardback you are probably more familiar with. I used to keep one copy at work and one at home, but today both copies were sitting on the kitchen bench. Since I was cutting it close to my appointment time, I grabbed the leather version, thinking I could save a few seconds by not having to look up the Bible verses. Today’s message was on point, as always, but it was the Word that really hit me:

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.” (Psalms 56:3‭-‬4‭, ‬13 ESV)

Each part of this verse spoke exactly to where I was right then and what I needed to recognize and remember: I can trust in God. “What can flesh do to me?" My flesh can’t kill me. Not really. Flesh is just temporary, a shell for the soul. And "You (God) have delivered my soul from death…that I may walk before God in the light of life.” My soul has been delivered from death! I will walk in the light of life! It's a promise. Even the best cancer has to throw at me can't really kill me. Sure, it will seem like the shadow of death, but the future is certain. So, soul, don’t be afraid or anxious – trust in God!

When I went to close up the book, some notes fell out of the front, including this:

https://youtu.be/VqObdRmYd7k

It's a song we sang in church once and I loved it so much I saved the copy from the bulletin. I started humming it and then the remembered words hit me. Read them, the first phrases of the first verse: “Flesh will fail and bones will break.” What?! Really? When I am literally about to walk out the door to be told that my flesh has failed me again and another bone has broken, this is what “just happens” to fall out of the book I passed over another to pick up?? We are not overcome, indeed.

I went to my appointment with that song on my lips and that verse in my heart and peace covering my soul. The anxiety came back this afternoon - you never know when it’s going to rear its ugly head – but I have this morning's words and song to look back on and rest in.

As for the appointment, I didn’t get definitive answers as to what the spot on my rib is. They said it is definitely “concerning.” And that my symptoms are classic for a new metastatic lesion, which has a 90% chance of being helped by radiation. At the very least, the prep for the radiation requires a CT scan, which should also reveal for sure what we are dealing with. So I go on Thursday for the radiation prep appointment, where they’ll do the imaging they need to plan their approach to administering the radiation, and I’ll get the treatment next week.

Flesh will fail. Bones will break. But You have delivered my soul from death, because of Your great love. We are not overcome.