Mercies in Disguise

It's not the news that any of us hoped that we would hear
It's not the road we would have chosen, no
The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead
But You're asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song instead

And I didn't know I'd find You here, in the middle of my deepest fear
But You were drawing near, You were overwhelming me with peace
So I lift my voice and sing:
"You're gonna carry us through everything!"
You were drawing near, You're overwhelming all my fears with peace.

(Find You Here, Ellie Holcomb)

Early yesterday morning, I headed to the breast care center to get the results from Friday's CT scan. This was my first scan since starting Talzenna at the end of February, so I was anxious to see how I was responding to it. This drug doesn't work at all for some people, but for others, it works really well. Since my pain has lessened quite a bit, I was pretty hopeful that the report would say this treatment is working for me. 

And yet I felt the need to go into this appointment covered in the promises of Jesus. (Really, shouldn't we start every day this way?) About a month ago, I had decided to create a playlist of all the songs that have helped me on my cancer journey - and the ones I want to have playing when the time comes to go home to Jesus. It's become my go-to playlist recently (although I'm still a voracious audiobook "reader"), so I started it up and let it shuffle its way through the songs as I was getting dressed and driving in to my appointment. 

The songs reminded me of promise after promise:

• There is nothing to fear, for God is with me always
• He will never leave me alone
• All my life He has been faithful
• In the hands of my Redeemer, nothing is wasted
• Though God slay me, yet I will praise Him
• We may not understand but one thing is certain - He is faithful
• All my days, I've been held in God's hands
• and the lyrics I shared at the beginning of this post.

And, just like those lyrics said, God overwhelmed me with peace to the point that I could rejoice, certain that, whatever might come, I'd be upheld by His strength and given the grace to face it. And I lifted my voice along with these songs and proclaimed my trust in God, even if. I can't think of a better way to have begun the day that was to follow.

The news about my bones was pretty good. Most of the spots throughout my ribs, spine, and pelvis are now sclerotic, which means they've slowed down their growth and kind of "scabbed over," which is enough to call things on that front "stable." I do have a new fracture in my L3 and some rib fractures in my 7th and 8th ribs that hadn't been mentioned before, but the more concerning news is elsewhere.

Up to this point, I've only had metastases in my bones. Having cancer spread to your bones isn't great. It means they can't cure it. But bone mets, while painful and sometimes debilitating, can't kill you. The cancer has to spread to an organ. And unfortunately, Friday's scans show that I now have six spots in my liver.

They're small; each one less than a centimeter. But this spread means that the Talzenna isn't working for me. In less than one year, I've gone through three different treatments. That's not the place I'd like to be in. As I've mentioned before, there are only so many treatments, with the side effects getting progressively worse with each drug. Until there are no more treatments available.

My oncologist assures me that I still have many to try and I'm not yet to the point where IV chemo is my only choice. And I know people who have had their metastases completely go away when a treatment works for them, which is possible for me, as well.

Still, progression to an organ is a big deal. It feels like everything is speeding up now and I've only gotten bad news after bad news at each appointment. But everything God reminded me of yesterday morning still stands - He is faithful and will never leave me alone. He is good and is working all things for my good. And sometimes (dare I say, often?), God's greatest blessings come through suffering.

My sister and I sang Laura Story's song, Blessings, together as I was going through chemo in 2011. It seems appropriate to share it now and to give its lyrics the final word.