Life Is For the Living

I'm a week into knowing my cancer has spread to my liver, a week into my latest treatment attempt. People wonder how I'm doing with the news. I wonder how I'm doing with the news.

I think the best way to describe how I'm doing is to say that I now understand how that proverbial frog in the pot felt as the heat got turned up hotter and hotter and he failed to notice. Here's what happens: You get bad news. You take it in. You cry. You break the news to loved ones. But life moves on. You adjust to the new circumstances. They start to feel normal. Yet meanwhile, appointment by appointment, scan by scan, the water is getting hotter and death is creeping closer.

I wonder if, in this way, I will be surprised at the end. That one day I'll go into my oncology appointment and they'll tell me I have a month to live. I'm feeling pretty good right now, and people always tell me I look great. It makes it hard for any of us to believe that something is slowly killing me on the inside. 

But death does feel closer with this latest diagnosis. Or at least the day when I will no longer be able to travel. What if I only have one more summer I feel up to doing outdoorsy, active things? The progression in my bones last fall made me realize that my situation can change quickly. 

Last Tuesday, the day we got my latest news, we decided to buy a tiny teardrop camper. It's been a dream of mine to go to all the major national parks, and we are hopeful this will allow me to camp with less pain. We're also thinking the camper will enable us to pick up and go for just a weekend. We've now got two weekend camping trips on the schedule so far and are plotting how to get to the next national park on my list.

I guess you could say I'm thinking about dying, but also about living. 

As for the treatment update, I'm feeling pretty good so far. A little more fatigued, but no mouth sores so far and no rash. I started a new muscle relaxer and am taking the Celebrex every day now for pain prevention. I'm also starting physical therapy in the pool next week with the goal of enabling me to move with less pain and be more active. All in all, I'm feeling hopeful about tolerating this treatment and living that aforementioned life.