Hi ho, hi ho, it's home from work I go
Tomorrow begins a new era for me: I will no longer be a 40 hour/week employee. At my last doctor's appointment, my doctor wrote me out on a reduced schedule - no more than 30 hours per week - and we got the paperwork processed with HR this past week. I say this will be the end of an era because this will be the first time since I graduated from college (umm...15...cough cough...years ago) that I will not be a full-time employee.
I always knew I was going to be a stay-at-home mom when I grew up and in my college years I got ambitious enough to think I was going to homeschool my kids, too. So I never expected to be a career woman. But I think as you come to terms with the life God has given you, you adapt your identity to fit your new reality. That must be why, when it actually came down to handing in the reduced work schedule paperwork to my boss, I cried in her office. And at my desk while I was working up the nerve to go talk to her. And at lunch with Kevin before that.
I cry at the thought of working full time and I cry at the thought of not working full time. Forty hours a week weren't enough to get all my work done; how am I going to manage everything in 30 hours now? And yet will 30 hours a week give me the rest I can see I desperately need? That's only one day off per week and coming in at 8:30 instead of 8:00 on the rest of the days.
It is weird how sometimes God gives you exactly what you said you wanted, but in a very different way than you expected. Obviously, my younger self's vision for my future didn't come to be, but it seems I will still end up a stay-at-home wife at least, perhaps sooner rather than later. God works in mysterious ways...
Starting a reduced work schedule represents the first time I have had to concede to my metastatic diagnosis and, even though I know I need this and have even desired something along these lines ever since childhood, I think deep inside I'm angry that I'm not the one calling all the shots. This is ridiculous; so many times throughout my life my plans have gone awry. You'd think by now I'd be used to it. I know it's natural to have these feelings. Mind doesn't always conquer matter.
But my mind was encouraged by the music at church this morning. In one of the songs, we sang, "All His ways are right/ Better than our own desires/ Where He leads us we will follow/ We'll trust His sovereign plan/ He will give us something better/ With His guiding hand." As I've walked through various life-altering events in my life, they've never seemed "better than my own desires," but I've been to the far side of enough of them now to know that He will be faithful in His promise to "give [me] something better." Now for the patience to wait for it.
I always knew I was going to be a stay-at-home mom when I grew up and in my college years I got ambitious enough to think I was going to homeschool my kids, too. So I never expected to be a career woman. But I think as you come to terms with the life God has given you, you adapt your identity to fit your new reality. That must be why, when it actually came down to handing in the reduced work schedule paperwork to my boss, I cried in her office. And at my desk while I was working up the nerve to go talk to her. And at lunch with Kevin before that.
I cry at the thought of working full time and I cry at the thought of not working full time. Forty hours a week weren't enough to get all my work done; how am I going to manage everything in 30 hours now? And yet will 30 hours a week give me the rest I can see I desperately need? That's only one day off per week and coming in at 8:30 instead of 8:00 on the rest of the days.
It is weird how sometimes God gives you exactly what you said you wanted, but in a very different way than you expected. Obviously, my younger self's vision for my future didn't come to be, but it seems I will still end up a stay-at-home wife at least, perhaps sooner rather than later. God works in mysterious ways...
Starting a reduced work schedule represents the first time I have had to concede to my metastatic diagnosis and, even though I know I need this and have even desired something along these lines ever since childhood, I think deep inside I'm angry that I'm not the one calling all the shots. This is ridiculous; so many times throughout my life my plans have gone awry. You'd think by now I'd be used to it. I know it's natural to have these feelings. Mind doesn't always conquer matter.
But my mind was encouraged by the music at church this morning. In one of the songs, we sang, "All His ways are right/ Better than our own desires/ Where He leads us we will follow/ We'll trust His sovereign plan/ He will give us something better/ With His guiding hand." As I've walked through various life-altering events in my life, they've never seemed "better than my own desires," but I've been to the far side of enough of them now to know that He will be faithful in His promise to "give [me] something better." Now for the patience to wait for it.
Amen Katherine! I so appreciate your posts and the wisdom in them. Just wanted you to know that all through the night again last night, God kept bringing you into my thoughts even though I was not awake or asleep. I pray He is using me to lift some of the burden off your shoulders. May He bless you with every need being met beyond your expectations! Love to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to make some changes, but concentrate on the things God has planned for you as you begin this new "adventure" of being a part-time employee. He isn't taken by surprise at this change. And enjoy being home more for your hubby and fosters. They'll sure appreciate any extra time with you they can get! I'm praying He'll show you many blessings you might have missed without this change.
ReplyDelete