Last week, after reading my post expressing my fears that I eventually won't be able to work or provide for our family's needs, I got a Facebook message from a college friend. We've only been Facebook friends since August; clearly God knew I needed her right now. Her message said that she is an analyst for long term disability and she wanted to offer me her knowledge in case it could alleviate some of my concerns. This month is open enrollment at work and, while I had planned to review my policies in light of my new diagnosis, I hadn't gotten to it yet. I think God was delaying me so I could make a more informed decision!
My friend offered to review my policy and we then discovered that she works for the exact company who has my policy! So she didn't even need to speak to the industry in general; she could explain exactly what coverage I have and what would benefit me to pick up now. Having this conversation was such a help to me! I am touched when I think about how God brought her into my life almost 20 years ago now (yikes!) and then reconnected us just a month or two before I would need her expertise. She even told me that she had said to herself, "Why am I in this job, God? What's my purpose here?" Well, now we know: God had her there for me.
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I had my first post-treatment scan on October 9. Because my tumor markers had dropped so dramatically, my doctor decided I only needed a bone scan, not a soft tissue scan. I got the results on the 16th - no new evidence of disease! Everything that was there is still there, but nothing has grown and no new spots have appeared. I had my appointment with my oncologist on the 22nd and he was thrilled with the results. He even said I can wait four months instead of three for my next scan. He mentioned a couple of other patients he has that only have one spot of metastasis, in their bones like mine, and they have remained stable for a long time - at least one of them has gone three years without progression so far. So this is all great news!
BUT - honestly, I've been feeling pretty crummy. Like I said in my last post, I have A LOT of fatigue. I have foggy days, where my brain will not cooperate with what I'm demanding of it. I have pain. And I have depression. Getting "good" news that my disease hasn't progressed and that I could continue on like this indefinitely wasn't as happy as it should have been. What is life if you can't live it?
When I couldn't have kids, I thought that maybe I was supposed to focus on my work and help others through the salary I am paid there. Now I feel like I can barely do my job and the tight deadlines we are under add a great amount of stress, especially because I don't know from day to day how I will feel or how competent I will be. I would take more time off work to accommodate these difficulties if I didn't know how far behind my department is on work that is needed in order to help patients. I know they were behind before I got there, but I tend to take the weight of the world on my shoulders and struggle with how to offload it.
I have always had this great desire to find my purpose in life - the one thing I'm supposed to be doing that is my reason for living. I think I find it and it slips away. I think I find it again and it's taken from me. In the message at church today, the pastor said, "God cares more about your being than your doing" (or something like that). He cares that we are becoming like Him; He cares much less about what we "contribute."
I don't even know how to process that. My life can be enough if it never produces anything? If I don't write my opus or raise the next Billy Graham? If there is no output to my life at all - that's okay? Just being - loving God, loving others - IS my purpose? I think this will make me feel better eventually, but it is a lot to take in right now. Please, pray with me, friends?
My friend offered to review my policy and we then discovered that she works for the exact company who has my policy! So she didn't even need to speak to the industry in general; she could explain exactly what coverage I have and what would benefit me to pick up now. Having this conversation was such a help to me! I am touched when I think about how God brought her into my life almost 20 years ago now (yikes!) and then reconnected us just a month or two before I would need her expertise. She even told me that she had said to herself, "Why am I in this job, God? What's my purpose here?" Well, now we know: God had her there for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had my first post-treatment scan on October 9. Because my tumor markers had dropped so dramatically, my doctor decided I only needed a bone scan, not a soft tissue scan. I got the results on the 16th - no new evidence of disease! Everything that was there is still there, but nothing has grown and no new spots have appeared. I had my appointment with my oncologist on the 22nd and he was thrilled with the results. He even said I can wait four months instead of three for my next scan. He mentioned a couple of other patients he has that only have one spot of metastasis, in their bones like mine, and they have remained stable for a long time - at least one of them has gone three years without progression so far. So this is all great news!
BUT - honestly, I've been feeling pretty crummy. Like I said in my last post, I have A LOT of fatigue. I have foggy days, where my brain will not cooperate with what I'm demanding of it. I have pain. And I have depression. Getting "good" news that my disease hasn't progressed and that I could continue on like this indefinitely wasn't as happy as it should have been. What is life if you can't live it?
When I couldn't have kids, I thought that maybe I was supposed to focus on my work and help others through the salary I am paid there. Now I feel like I can barely do my job and the tight deadlines we are under add a great amount of stress, especially because I don't know from day to day how I will feel or how competent I will be. I would take more time off work to accommodate these difficulties if I didn't know how far behind my department is on work that is needed in order to help patients. I know they were behind before I got there, but I tend to take the weight of the world on my shoulders and struggle with how to offload it.
I have always had this great desire to find my purpose in life - the one thing I'm supposed to be doing that is my reason for living. I think I find it and it slips away. I think I find it again and it's taken from me. In the message at church today, the pastor said, "God cares more about your being than your doing" (or something like that). He cares that we are becoming like Him; He cares much less about what we "contribute."
I don't even know how to process that. My life can be enough if it never produces anything? If I don't write my opus or raise the next Billy Graham? If there is no output to my life at all - that's okay? Just being - loving God, loving others - IS my purpose? I think this will make me feel better eventually, but it is a lot to take in right now. Please, pray with me, friends?
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ReplyDeletePraying with you! Thank you for the updates. You are such a strong woman. xx Rachael
ReplyDeleteKatherine, I love Steve McVey's books, and I'm now, in fits and starts, reading his newest---"Beyond an Angry God". Think you might love it, child. Also was thinking about your desire to be and frustrated at not being able to produce. My situation pales next to yours, but my version of "What good am I, now that I can't teach?!?" is plenty annoying. God is not surprised at either of our circumstances, and our value in His eyes has never changed. Try the McVey book, remember that your teacher loves you and has always been proud of you, and most of all, that God is not surprised/dismayed/giving up on your value in His eyes. Mrs. Z
ReplyDeleteKatherine, you are, always have been and always will God's precious child. However, whether your realize it or not, you are "doing" something: You are inspiring so many people with your writing. You have such a beautiful way with words. Keep it up! You never know who is reading--and drawing God's strength and hope through you and your journey. May God bless you and give you His wisdom, energy and peace every moment. With love, Heather Hatter
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