I Has the Dumb

Up until recently, my treatment has been minimally invasive in my life.  I have a monthly injection at the infusion center, frequent bloodwork and visits with my oncologist, as well as periodic tests like the bone scan I had on Friday. I have to remember to take all my pills (or not - if it's the fourth week of the monthly cycle of Ibrance) and to pay all those pesky bills that keep arriving in my mailbox. I get lots of needlesticks, butI don't have to give my name when I show up at the lab anymore - they know me.  Even though I've developed mouth sores, I'd still say my quality of life hasn't diminished all that much.

But the past two days I've had incredible fatigue. Yesterday, I made it a half day at work before I had to get Kevin to come pick me up. I thought I might take a little nap and finish up my work later that afternoon, but I didn't wake up until 5:00. This morning I woke up an hour and a half late (and I'm the type of person who might wake up five minutes late, but never late enough that I can't get to work on time). All day I tried to work in a stupor. My brain felt like its gears were gummed up or like it was shrouded by a giant haze.

My work is not something you can do without all your brain cells. It involves lots of logic and making connections between things. It requires troubleshooting and investigating. In short, I feel like I was able to do the equivalent of an hour's work all day today. And I felt miserable doing it. Like this:

With this saying:

I cannot tell you how discouraging that is. Of course my mind immediately jumps to what life will be like if I feel this way all the time. I won't be able to work. I won't be able to pay our bills. If I don't work, I won't have the insurance that is covering so much of my treatment. So I feel crummy and my brain is spiraling out of control with unhappy scenarios. I could really use some prayer` Most likely there will be a mixture of good days and bad days. So how do I hold on until the next good day comes? How do I keep from imagining the rest of my life through the lens of how I feel right now?

This is what's going on with me today.  Keepin' it real.