Musings on a Pink October

In case you haven't guessed it by my absence from my blog last week, I've been feeling pretty crummy from this last chemo treatment.  I've heard that the effects of the treatments are cumulative, so it's understandable that I'm feeling worse as I put more and more treatments behind me.  That doesn't make it any easier to handle, though.  I have to admit that I feel pretty discouraged the week following treatment and I'm already having anxiety over going for my treatment on Friday.  My doctor told me that he once had a patient who went for one chemo treatment and never went back.  I'm starting to think she wasn't so crazy after all.  Prayers for extra grace and strength will be greatly appreciated.

This past weekend, my mom, sister, and I went to Virginia Beach for the Race for the Cure.  It was an amazing event - pink everywhere, and so many people!  It was so touching to see all the signs people wore celebrating the women in their lives who have had breast cancer.  One man's said, "I run in celebration of my wife, the bravest woman I know."  I saw signs on strollers indicating the babies were "running" in honor of their grandmothers or aunts.  One woman's sign said she was running in celebration of herself - one year cancer-free.  Here's a picture of me and Karin, showing off her sign.

There were lots of booths giving away free things, some of which were only available to survivors.  There was also a survivors tent, where we could go to sit down and get pampered with all kinds of free food, massages, pink carnations, and big gift bags of treats such as T-shirts, hats, scarves, water cups, etc.  I definitely felt special and honored there.

I also participated in the Survivors Strut.  All the survivors present "strutted" up to the front of the crowd and were cheered for and celebrated.  We even had a survivors photo op (still trying to find the photo online).  Being one of these honored survivors felt good and weird all at the same time.  Good, because all the people there seemed to care that I'm one of the ones afflicted with this disease.  They all came out to run for me and cheered for my status as a survivor (although I don't really feel like a survivor yet - I'm still in treatment!).  They are all hoping for a cure and trying to raise money to fund the research that will make this possible.  This event made me feel like all the suffering I'm going through right now is not overlooked, that this huge group of people recognizes how hard it is to go through breast cancer and they don't want anyone else to have to go through this.

But I also felt weird to be so celebrated, because I didn't do anything special to become a survivor.  Like I said earlier, I don't even feel like I'm technically a survivor.  Shouldn't a survivor be someone who's outlived the disease by a year or two at least?  Shouldn't we be celebrating the doctors who treat me and the researchers who came up with the treatments?  Celebrate me for being part of the clinical trial.  That was something I didn't have to do that I did for the good of those who come after me.  Pamper me because I'm going through hell right now.  Cheer for me because I got out of bed this morning.  Tell me that you love me, because we're not promised tomorrow.  But don't lift me up as a hero just because I'm alive.  Those who lost the fight are just as much "warriors" as I am, if not more so. 

I read this article yesterday and it helped me articulate for you that weird feeling I had at the Race for the Cure.  I hope you'll read it.  While I love seeing so many companies and people supporting breast cancer, I wonder if the outpouring of pink in October will cause breast cancer support to become a fad, for the disease to be seen almost like something fun to have, when it's most certainly not.  Rather than raise awareness or focus on early detection, let's find a way to prevent breast cancer altogether.  Let's take the money spent on creating pink products and advertising (or at least some of it - I do like the pink products) and put it straight into funding for research.  Let's eliminate the need for "survivors" altogether.  Now that would be something to celebrate!