We Trust Him

Last week was an emotional roller coaster. I had my brain MRI on Monday, with my follow-up appointments with the neurosurgeon and neuro-oncologist on Tuesday. I anxiously kept my phone near me at all times, hoping to see results posted before meeting with the doctors. Nothing came. I tried to relax and reassured myself that I would at least get the results on Tuesday when I saw the doctors. But when each of them entered the room, they told me the MRI hadn't been read yet and there were no results to share with me. They were able to look at the MRI themselves and say they thought things looked good, but couldn't be certain without the radiologist's read. So I waited. 

All of Wednesday - no results. All of Thursday - no results. I had to bump up my CT scan from Friday morning to Thursday afternoon, so I went to that and, amazingly, had results from the chest CT by the time I got home from the scan - nothing concerning in my chest! But no results on the abdominal CT, which looks at my liver, the point of greatest concern besides my brain. Again, I waited.

Friday, I went to my niece's graduation (another post to come on that!). As the graduates were about to process in, my phone buzzed with "New Test Result" from MyChart. Terrified to get bad news in such a happy moment, but also dying to know (no pun intended!), I quickly opened the report on my abdominal CT: "Further decreased hepatic metastases," which, in language everyone can understand, means my liver tumors have gotten smaller! Praise God! So many things to celebrate this day! Later that afternoon, I got the results of my brain MRI, which were also good! So much wonderful news!

And yet, this time, good scan results wouldn't mean that I get to continue on the same treatment. My platelets had gotten dangerously low with my last infusion, and they couldn't risk that happening again. So I have to stop treatment that has been working and has had manageable side effects. It's a big loss. Especially after the call Friday afternoon from the cancer center pharmacist. She wanted to discuss the treatment I'll start on Tuesday (tomorrow) and let me know that she was calling in numerous prescriptions for me to pick up ahead of time. 

On the one hand, I was holding joy over the news that the cancer in my body was stable. On the other, I was holding anxiety and disappointment over the fact that I was starting another new treatment. A treatment, I was learning as I talked to the pharmacist, that was going to be a difficult one. 

The side effects sound daunting and are numerous. 

• Severe mouth sores. To prevent these, I will have to keep ice in my mouth during the entire infusion and use a prescription mouthwash at least four times a day to continue the effort to keep them at bay. 
• Eye problems. I will no longer be able to wear contacts and will have to do eye drops at least four times a day to keep them constantly moisturized and to prevent inflammation of my corneas.
• Nausea. They will preload me with anti-nausea drugs, and I will need to take multiple prescription nausea medications to try to stay ahead of the nausea.
• High risk of allergic reaction to the infusion itself. The first two infusions will go in slowly, and I will stay an extra hour after receiving them in order to be monitored by the nurses.
• And then there are the usual side effects - fatigue, hair loss (my hair had been growing back on my last treatment), constipation, low white blood cells, low red blood cells, etc.

To say I find all this rather daunting is an understatement. Frankly, I'm dreading tomorrow. And I have a lot of disappointment that I can't stay on my last treatment.

But yesterday at church, God spoke to my heart. The call to worship was Phil. 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Okay, good reminder.

Then we sang a song with the refrain, "We trust you. Jesus, we trust you. Your ways are higher than our own." And I realized that was true. I do trust Him. His ways are higher than my own. And I could trust that somehow this change in treatment is His plan for me. I may not understand it or be excited about it, but I can trust that He will use it for my good and His glory. Do I say this glibly or cheerfully, thinking everything is going to be sunshine and rainbows now? No. I say it soberly. I say it with tears welling up. But it's true. I do trust Him and acknowledge His ways are higher than my own.

Then I was reminded of the call to worship: "In everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." That's right, I remembered - I can offer thanksgiving ahead of time, before seeing God answer, because I know He always answers in the way I would want if I knew everything He does (thanks, Tim Keller, for that insight). And in giving thanks, in proclaiming our trust in Him, we can find peace beyond human understanding.

I may not see how this was for my good here on this earth. But I can trust Him. He will never leave me or forsake me. He is my Good Shepherd. I will not walk this road alone. Will it be easy? I doubt it. I'm sure there are tears ahead. But, truly, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" (Phil. 4:13). (And with a lot of prayers from so many! 💗)