Lord, I Need You

On Friday, I will restart chemo after having almost a month off treatment. Some of this time was the normal one-week break I get every cycle, but I got some extra time off thanks to contracting covid while traveling. While I certainly want to be able to receive the treatment I need to combat my cancer, I have to confess to doing a happy dance when I found out I couldn't restart chemo for three weeks. 

Friends, chemo has been so hard. While I'm not puking my guts out, I just feel so bad so much of the time after treatment. I start to feel nauseous just thinking about going. And this leads to feelings of despair at the thought of doing this for the rest of my life.

For people getting chemo for early-stage cancer, chemo is a fixed number of treatments. For a stage four patient, once you get to the point of needing to utilize IV chemo, you're likely going to be getting some version of it until you die. And this thought of unending chemo, of unending sickness and disability, is a really hard struggle for me right now.

As I shared in my last post, I've wanted to ask God, "Why? Why do some people seem to get sunshine and rainbows, and I get cancer?" I haven't actually asked Him, because in theory I trust Him, but of course He knows my heart. And in His kindness, He answered me this Sunday.

As we sang about God being able to move mountains, I wanted to stand up and testify that He doesn't always choose to do so. Yes, He is able, but His word also says that sometimes the earth will give way and the mountains will fall into the heart of the sea. And even there, He is our refuge and strength (Ps. 46:1-2). 

And then someone did stand up and share - this very verse! - along with half a dozen others that I had learned as a child, including the one written on my hand the day of my double mastectomy 12 years ago. 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" (Is. 41:10). "The Lord is my light and my salvation — whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life — of whom shall I be afraid?" (Ps. 27:1) "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (Ps. 23:4). "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Josh. 1:9).

I am with you, I am with you, I am with you. These are the words I heard God speaking over me. And as the worship team began singing "Lord, I Need You," I was undone. God, I'm scared. I don't want to go through this darkest valley. I don't feel like I can go down this darkest valley. Lord, I need you. Lord, I need you. Every hour I need you.

And then the worship team transitioned to Take My Life, an updated version of a hymn I first learned from Psalty the Singing Songbook. A hymn I have sung many times over the years, always with fervor, a prayer that God would indeed take my life and let it be consecrated to Him. And the realization hit me - I had asked God to use me. I had offered my life to Him freely and sincerely. Over and over, since I was a child, this has been my prayer. And He answered it. He's taking my life and using it. It's just not the way I thought He would do it, not any way I would have wished. 

But do I want to be used by Him? Oh yes! Even if this - the cancer, the chemo, the sickness - is the best way to utilize my life for His glory? Still yes, even though I wish with all my heart it could be a different way. He will be with me. He's promised it over and over. I do not need to be afraid, although He knows I am and will be. Lord, I need you, oh I need you.

Photo by John Price on Unsplash