It's Been A Lot

I can't believe it's been almost two months since I've posted. To say I haven't even had the energy to pull some thoughts together seems ridiculous, but it's true. After the gamma knife surgery in February, I spent over two weeks almost exclusively in bed. I don't know if it was side effects from the surgery, my body adjusting to the new chemo, or fatigue from the radiation to my shoulder blade - or all of these combined - but I was barely functional. I couldn't make it through a shower without a rest. I would come close to passing out every time I stood up. I knew I was dehydrated, but drinking upset my stomach. So did eating. It was a ROUGH few weeks.

But gradually those issues subsided and I'm left with the fatigue. No longer I-can't-get-out-of-bed fatigue, just I-need-multiple-naps-a day fatigue. :) Is this just life with chemo, or will I get more energetic once my body gets used to the new treatment? I don't know. 

This chemo also causes a strange side effect called Hand-Foot Syndrome (palmar-plantar erythrodysesthesia), which causes your palms and soles to become red, tingly, and painful and then to blister and crack. Keeping them heavily moisturized and avoiding heat and friction can help stave off the worst of it, so I live in cushiony slipper socks and gloves and put my feet on ice packs to keep them cool. It's an adventure!

But the pain relief from the radiation on my shoulder blade has kicked in - hallelujah! - and so, besides the fatigue and vigilance with my hands and feet, I'm feeling A LOT more like myself. Which means I'm up for doing more things and have a more hopeful outlook toward planning near-future activities. I'm so thankful.

Since my last update, I also completed radiation on the tumors in my eye. You may remember that a few posts back, I showed an image of the tumor in my eye. However, before starting radiation, an MRI revealed that a second tumor had grown in my eye (just in the time span between MRIs!), but because it showed up before I started eye radiation they were able to do both tumors at the same time, and I didn't have to repeat the scary radiation in a mask (see CaringBridge for more details on that ordeal). 

This second MRI also discovered a tumor in my brain. It's likely this tumor has been causing my lightheadedness and episodes of almost passing out, since it's located in the cerebellum, the part of your brain that controls balance. Thankfully, they found this on the prep MRI for my gamma knife surgery and were able to treat it along with my pituitary tumor. I'll go for a follow-up MRI tomorrow to see if the treatment worked/is working. Obviously, we would love prayers for good news!

However, good news or not, I have continued to experience God's closeness through all of this, especially through the eye radiation. I was reminded as I was in the midst of my second treatment that this very scenario was something I had told myself years ago that I could never do. And yet, by God's grace, I was doing it! 

This has happened before in my life - I look back and realize that, if you had told me ahead of time that I would go through X situation and come out alive, I wouldn't have believed you. But it has happened time and time again. And yet I continue to imagine scenarios where something is too much for me to handle. But I'm failing to factor in God! He is the pillar of cloud that goes before me into the wilderness. He upholds me with His righteous right hand. He covers me with His feathers, like a bird protecting her chicks. He wipes my tears and collects them in a bottle. He gives beauty for ashes. He restores the years the locusts have eaten. Whenever anything I face seems too much for me, it is. But it's not for God. “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matt. 19:26).