Here We Go Again

It's treatment day again, which means it's been an entire month since I had my scans and got my results. And I still haven't shared those here. Was the news bad? No. My tumors are the same size as they were the last time I had scans. That means I get to stay on Kisqali for another three months, essentially buying myself more time.

Great news, right? Yes. But it's been hard to get excited about it this time. I think I'm just tired of fighting every. single. day. with a body that has a mind of its own. What will today be like? On the one hand, I don't know - I may have energy, I may not. I may have pain, I may not. On the other hand, every day is Groundhog Day, endlessly repeating. I'm not getting better. Right now, I'm not even getting worse. I'm just in a holding pattern, staring down a future that looks exactly the same day after day until it gets worse.

Am I thankful to have more time? Yes. Do I know all of my days are in God's sovereign, loving hands? Of course. Are these problems small compared to what others are facing around the world? 100%. 

And yet. This is what it looks like to battle for seven years with something desparately trying to kill you. I'm weary. I long for a change, for things to be different; even, apparently, for them to be worse, if that's what it takes. Where can you go to escape your own body and the havoc it's wreaking on you?

This is life with metastatic cancer.

Photo by Mario Azzi on Unsplash