In the Rearview Mirror

Kisqali has been a bumpy ride for me so far. My first month on the drug I came down with covid (it finally caught me with my compromised immune system) and I had to halt my cancer treatment in order to take the covid prescription. I also had to stop my anxiety meds cold turkey, which was a lot harder. I'm happy to say all of that is behind me now. This month's blood work shows that my bone marrow is taking a bigger hit than is safe, however, so I will need to reduce my dose of Kisqali going forward and be very careful not to get an infection until my bone marrow is in better shape. We'll scan in September to see if all of this is helping. 

Honestly, I'm not feeling optimistic. Some of my digestive issues from last summer have returned (which we think are caused by the tumors in my liver) and my tumor markers continue to climb. Some days I feel well-endowed with the grace to carry the burden of a terminal illness; other days, I fervently wish God had called me to serve Him through different life circumstances. 

It is a strange thing to live with death in your rearview mirror. You can see it slowly gaining on you and do your best to accelerate away from it, but it's always there, within view, coming closer and closer. You don't know when it will overtake you, but you know it will.

So you live the day you're given. You plan to take the trips NOW, because putting them off might mean never doing them. You prioritize your to-read pile, because realistically, you're not going to get to all those books. You wonder if you should invest in those artisan-made, ethical fashion shoes you want, because what if you only have a year to wear them? Is the investment still worth it? Should you start selling your belongings so your husband doesn't have to do it later? You try to find something meaningful to make each day worthwhile, but sometimes all you feel up for is some mindless home renovation show. Is that a day wasted?

This is life with death in the rearview mirror. 

But I know that just ahead is a glorious view. Death may overtake me, but it cannot keep me from reaching my destination. And then all will be made new! 

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” (Rev. 21:1-5)

The journey may not be easy, but all things will be redeemed and set right. That thought cheers me, even as I glance in the rearview mirror.

Photo by Taras Zaluzhnyi on Unsplash