He Is Still Good - Ten Years Later

Ten years ago today, I was awakened from a nap by a phone call that would change my life. While I suspected I might be getting this news, nothing really prepares you for hearing the words, "You've got cancer." Even now, I remember next to nothing about what I did when I hung up the phone or in the days immediately following. I don't remember how I told my parents or friends or the guy I had started dating only weeks before.

I thought at the time that my diagnosis meant I was looking at a very difficult six months, but that after that I could close the chapter on my breast cancer story. We all thanked God we had caught it early - before it had even gotten into my lymph nodes - because everyone knows "early detection saves lives." 

If I only knew then...

But God, in His wisdom, has chosen to keep the future from us. I think this is a mercy.

If you had told me in my teens or early adulthood that I'd be going through a divorce, early-stage cancer, a terminal diagnosis, the quick and very traumatic death of my dad, and facing my own death in my 30's and 40's, I'd have wanted to check out right then. But instead, the path ahead was hidden from me. God gave me my daily bread - what I needed to face each day's problems. Because indeed, "Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matt. 6:34).

It was in God's provision for me during and after my divorce that I came to realize that I truly could do all things through Him. That He would meet me in my deepest pain and carry me through, and that I would come to experience a closeness with Him that only comes from sharing in the fellowship of His suffering. It gave me the confidence, in 2011, to surrender my future to Him, telling Him I was ready for whatever He might send, even suffering, if that meant moving ever closer to Him.

Three months later, I received my cancer diagnosis.

I also heard this song for the first time, and it became the anthem of those next six months:

Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain?
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain?
Shall I love You in times of plenty
Then leave You in days of drought?
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow, then doubt?

Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified

Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I’m filled?
Are You King only when I’m carefree
And God only when I’m well?
You are good when I’m poor and needy
You are true when I’m parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night

Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified

https://sovereigngracemusic.org/music/songs/as-long-as-you-are-glorified/

And now, ten years later, I'm still dealing with cancer. And my prayer continues to be that He will be glorified in me. 

Each year, my diagnosis gets harder and harder to process. We all wanted my full healing ten years ago. We all want my full healing now. We've prayed for it and fasted for it. Yet it seems like that prayer will likely not be answered in the way we've hoped. Cancer that's spread to your bones is painful and incurable, but it's unlikely to kill you. Cancer in your liver can.

But do not think for one moment that God answering our prayers in a different way means He doesn't love us or have the very best for us. As my song says, "He still reigns in the deepest valley; He's still God in the darkest night."

Art by Ruth Chou Simons, GraceLaced. Available here.

Some people like to dismiss their problems by saying, "It's all good." But honestly, it's not all good. Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes the brokenness of the world makes you break down and cry. Sometimes you wish these things had never happened to you. And yet - none of that negates the fact that He is good, and He's working all things together for our good and His glory. We just don't see the full picture right now. 

So, ten years later, do I wish that my experience of breast cancer could have been six months and then closing the chapter? Of course I do. Do we still pray for healing? Of course we do. But we also say, "And if not, He is still good."

Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain (Phil. 1:18-21).