The Enneagram, Cinderella, and Me
Lately I've been learning about the Enneagram, a ancient personality typing tool. For years, I've been fascinated by the Myers-Briggs personality tool (I'm an INFP), but have never been able to wrap my mind around the Enneagram. However, it's come up numerous times and in numerous situations lately - apparently it is having a resurgence in popularity - and when a friend of mine came back from a summer mission energized by it, I decided now was the time to finally dig into it.
I found this website helpful in understanding the basic premise and took Enneagram typing tests on both of these sites: Eclectic Energies and Your Enneagram Coach. I've also now read The Road Back to You and listened to a number of their podcast episodes. The Enneagram is different from Myers-Briggs in that it looks at your motivations for doing things, not just your actions and feelings themselves, so it's not as straightforward to type yourself as it might be with M-B.
At first, I thought I was a One, known as the Reformer or the Perfectionist. As an INFP, I am an idealist and feel like I have found my calling in love and advocacy for the poor and oppressed; sounds like a Reformer to me. I also notice little mistakes everywhere, without even looking for them, and have a constant harsh, critical voice silently judging me at all times - both of which are characteristic of a One.
But with the Enneagram, you need to evaluate what drives and fuels you. For a One, the drive is to be good and right and the dominant feeling is anger or rage. That didn't seem quite as much like me as some of the other aspects of a One. Through other self-discovery I've done in recent years, I've come to see that I highly value being known and understood. I'm also just discovering that I struggle with underlying shame. All of this led me to explore the type Three.
The Three is called the Achiever or the Performer. It was the title Achiever that first set me down the path of discovering I'm a Three. Whatever I do, I strive to be the best. But I realized that it's not driven by perfectionism, like a One; it's driven by a seeking for approval, for acceptance, even love - like a Three.
This is what I've learned about Threes and myself since studying the Enneagram:
Threes seek validation and affirmation and to be understood. I can go for days on a tiny compliment and a thoughtful gift is a treasure to me, not for the object itself, but for how it demonstrates the depths of that person's understanding of the real me. Conversely, when my cup isn't being filled, I feel shriveled and prickly and, in exchange, unconsciously withhold my love and affection from others and focus on the negatives. (And, since I naturally see mistakes and errors, there can be quite a few negatives to point out.)
Last night, my niece and I watched the new Cinderella together. Cinderella's stepmother is so cruel, constantly telling her she's worthless and trash. But Cinderella has the memory of the love of her deceased parents that tells her otherwise, so she never fully believes the lies her stepmother tries to sell her. And as the audience, we know that she will capture the heart of the prince, who sees her true value, and they will live happily ever after.
As we were watching this movie, I realized that it's a beautiful analogy to my own life. God has chosen me to be His child and part of His future bride, the Church; somehow, in the cinders and ash, I've captured His heart. He sees me as infinitely valuable, even if no one else does. Even if all the other voices I hear, including my own, are critical, judgmental, or just plain silent, giving no affirmation or encouragement at all (which is almost as bad as criticism to me). God fully knows me and fully loves me. Adores me. Chooses me. And His voice is the one that matters, just like the prince's was the one that truly mattered for Cinderella.
Her stepmother could call her names and lock her in her room, but she couldn't keep Cinderella from ultimately uniting with her prince. Likewise, people can ignore me, criticize me, misunderstand me, or just fail to share the love that's really on their hearts. That shouldn't matter to me. I'm still chosen by the Prince. I still have an eternal future that's going to be spent forever with my King, happily ever after. What a thought for a Three! The ultimate gift! Now to remember this...
I found this website helpful in understanding the basic premise and took Enneagram typing tests on both of these sites: Eclectic Energies and Your Enneagram Coach. I've also now read The Road Back to You and listened to a number of their podcast episodes. The Enneagram is different from Myers-Briggs in that it looks at your motivations for doing things, not just your actions and feelings themselves, so it's not as straightforward to type yourself as it might be with M-B.
At first, I thought I was a One, known as the Reformer or the Perfectionist. As an INFP, I am an idealist and feel like I have found my calling in love and advocacy for the poor and oppressed; sounds like a Reformer to me. I also notice little mistakes everywhere, without even looking for them, and have a constant harsh, critical voice silently judging me at all times - both of which are characteristic of a One.
But with the Enneagram, you need to evaluate what drives and fuels you. For a One, the drive is to be good and right and the dominant feeling is anger or rage. That didn't seem quite as much like me as some of the other aspects of a One. Through other self-discovery I've done in recent years, I've come to see that I highly value being known and understood. I'm also just discovering that I struggle with underlying shame. All of this led me to explore the type Three.
The Three is called the Achiever or the Performer. It was the title Achiever that first set me down the path of discovering I'm a Three. Whatever I do, I strive to be the best. But I realized that it's not driven by perfectionism, like a One; it's driven by a seeking for approval, for acceptance, even love - like a Three.
This is what I've learned about Threes and myself since studying the Enneagram:
Threes seek validation and affirmation and to be understood. I can go for days on a tiny compliment and a thoughtful gift is a treasure to me, not for the object itself, but for how it demonstrates the depths of that person's understanding of the real me. Conversely, when my cup isn't being filled, I feel shriveled and prickly and, in exchange, unconsciously withhold my love and affection from others and focus on the negatives. (And, since I naturally see mistakes and errors, there can be quite a few negatives to point out.)
Last night, my niece and I watched the new Cinderella together. Cinderella's stepmother is so cruel, constantly telling her she's worthless and trash. But Cinderella has the memory of the love of her deceased parents that tells her otherwise, so she never fully believes the lies her stepmother tries to sell her. And as the audience, we know that she will capture the heart of the prince, who sees her true value, and they will live happily ever after.
As we were watching this movie, I realized that it's a beautiful analogy to my own life. God has chosen me to be His child and part of His future bride, the Church; somehow, in the cinders and ash, I've captured His heart. He sees me as infinitely valuable, even if no one else does. Even if all the other voices I hear, including my own, are critical, judgmental, or just plain silent, giving no affirmation or encouragement at all (which is almost as bad as criticism to me). God fully knows me and fully loves me. Adores me. Chooses me. And His voice is the one that matters, just like the prince's was the one that truly mattered for Cinderella.
Her stepmother could call her names and lock her in her room, but she couldn't keep Cinderella from ultimately uniting with her prince. Likewise, people can ignore me, criticize me, misunderstand me, or just fail to share the love that's really on their hearts. That shouldn't matter to me. I'm still chosen by the Prince. I still have an eternal future that's going to be spent forever with my King, happily ever after. What a thought for a Three! The ultimate gift! Now to remember this...
Love this! Thanks for sharing your journey. I'm posting this on my FB biz page as recommended reading. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks! That's very nice of you!
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