Facing Scans

February 21, 2022

Facing Scans

Scan day has come around again. Tomorrow I’ll get CT scans to see if my current treatment is still working. I’ve had one scan since starting this treatment, and at that time my liver tumors had gotten slightly smaller. Obviously, our hope for tomorrow is that they will be smaller still or, better yet, gone altogether! This is what seems best to us, but we thank God in advance for whatever happens, knowing that it comes from His hand and is for our good and His glory.

This is how it’s possible to “give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thess. 5:18), not being anxious, “but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let[ting] your requests be made known to God” (Phil. 4:6). We give thanks before the outcome is even determined because we trust the One from whom it comes. He goes with us and will never leave us nor forsake us (Deut. 31:5). He understands our pain and weaknesses because He Himself was human and experienced these things (Heb. 4:15).

I know, believe, and try to practice all these things. And yet, when I sat down to write this update last night, when I explained that since Ibrance stopped working two years ago, only one treatment has worked for more than three months, and that one only worked for five; when I wrote that if the scans tomorrow show new cancer growth, I’ll have to start chemo; just writing those words – how fast my options are running out and the fact that chemo is next - disturbed me so much that I had to stop writing. Even in the midst of trusting God and giving thanks, firmly believing He is working for my good and His glory, my humanity cries out, “I don’t want this! This is too hard for me! Please don’t make me do this. I don’t know what to expect and I’m afraid.”

This morning, I reaffix my eyes on Jesus, the one who authored my faith and is perfecting it (Heb. 12:2), and say to myself and to my God, “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!” I repeat and repeat the promises God has given – I do not walk this path alone. His grace is sufficient for me (2 Cor. 12:9). I have nothing to fear (Josh. 1:9). Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ (Rom. 8:38-39). Wherever I go, whatever happens, “even there” His hand will guide me (Ps. 139:10). He has brought me through countless things I would never have thought I could face, and I try to remind myself of that, stand firm on that foundation. “’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.”